Discussing the End of Life

It's no secret that we all die. But it is not uncommon for people to shield themselves from the great unknown. Our society puts youth on a pedestal and caters to it as if it were a goddess.

There are creams, injections, weight loss programs, make up, hair replacements, hair coloring, exercise machines that purport to do all the work, medications and a host of other youth chasing remedies to ward off disability, aging and death.

How many people shield their children from the death of the elders? Some children are led to believe that Grandma went on vacation when in all reality she died. I have known people who "refused to damage" their children by allowing them to attend a funeral of a grandparent.

It is very common to say that one has gone on "to his reward" or "passed away." These are well known euphemisms for death. When cloaking the reality in vague terms such as these people unconsciously push death away. When children are "protected" from the truth the process robs them of the richness of participating fully in the circle of life. When we avoid the conversation we cheat ourselves. We cheat our families and our friends.

We also have a very self-oriented society and a culture of false self-esteem. People are rewarded for doing things halfway and hit brick walls when they seek the approval of larger society where others are mirrors. It's quite amusing at times and downright disgusting at others. It is time to put the selfishness aside.

We are all going to die. It is not necessary to dwell on it but it is important to discuss it if only to make sure our loved ones - our decision makers - know what to do if the time comes when we cannot speak for ourselves.

Do you have a living will or a healthcare power of attorney? I do.

I don't intend to get into the various cultural and religious reasons for the choices people make at the end of life. There are those who want "life at all cost." There are others who only want to die once. I met someone who survived a code and got an earful of accusations as she lamented she would have to die again. There are those who believe that quality of life is the most important thing.

You don't get to choose for everyone. You get to decide what YOU want, communicate it and move on with your life. Best part of this is if you document what you want you might actually get it instead of being at the mercy of another's decisions. I have had discordant conversations where an elderly person has said "I've had a good life. If I die, let me go." Ten minutes later out in the hallway the son or daughter is saying "Mom's out of her head." Occasionally Mom might be out of her head but mostly Mom knows what she wants and the kids have a hard time accepting it.

There is nothing like discussing the decision, with my family, on what to do after my mother lay critically ill from burns she suffered in a house fire. She wasn't getting better but I had the knowledge of what she would most likely choose from things she had said to me about "her time." I knew what she didn't want. That helped.

Don't you want the important people in your life to know? Discussion brings enlightenment and clarity to the murkiness of fear in a culture that ignores and disenfranchises those that do not glow with youthfulness.

Stop being afraid.